secret strategy

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Home : 2001 : March : 29

secret strategy
By Shawn

One sure-fire way to get rowdy students to listen is to make them sincerely believe that you are a raging homocidal maniac and that you have just snapped.

Loud noises are good, but you need to follow through - otherwise
the little punks will just start making fun of you. Kicking a metal filing cabinet works well. It's symbolic of what you will do to them. Then yell as loudly and shrilly as possible: "ENOUGH!!!!! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!" (Optional: "I HAVE HAD A REALLY BAAAAAD DAY!!") Then immediately start barking orders: "JONNY SANCHEZ! BACK TO YOUR SEAT!" "JASON GALDON! TAKE THAT MARBLE OUT OF

YOUR NAVAL!" "WATERS! PUT AWAY THAT RUBBER GLOVE!" "ORANGE SHIRT! GIVE ME THE TENNIS BALL!" You have to kind of plan this out, so you know exactly what you want them to do and you can fire these off in rapid succession. Make liberal use of full names, last names, and big words. Then finish off by ordering them to *continue* working. "UNTIL THE BELL RINGS I WANT TO SEE *EVERYBODY* CONTINUE WORKING WITHOUT ONE PEEP FROM ANY OF YOU!" Then before they can start making fun of you (or ask what will happen if they disobey), stomp off and sit down at the teacher's desk. If anybody tries to test you, don't let them think you have regained your sanity. Jump up and start right up ranting and raving again. This time throw in the terms: "intervention", "documentation", "mediation", "take care of this", "administrative review", "disciplinary referal", "parental notification", and the vice-principal's full name. If these terms have specific meanings at your school, great. If they don't, use them anyway.

Never insult a student. Make it clear that his ACTIONS are what you find unacceptable. Be supportive and try to encourage students whenever possible. Otherwise, they will gang up and seek revenge. Then all hope is lost. Make a habit of calling them "students", rather than "kids" - even when you are just talking to other teachers - it adds a touch of professionalism and reminds them why they are in school. Ask students what they want to do when the grow up. They are never expecting this, so it throws off their whole rhythm. It's a great fogging technique. It also gives you a chance to show you care. If you get good at it, you can even point out how the current assignment is relevant.

Talk to other teachers about problem students by name. Today I learned that one of my students had failed the first two marking periods and he has lunch detention for the rest of the year. Tidbits like that can be worked to your advantage.

Never ask a student his name if he is causing trouble. You know you will get a lie 10 out of 10 times. You are better off saving face and letting him get away with whatever he has done. If possible, *discretely* ask another (responsible) student for the name.

I dunno. There's a couple ideas for ya. Good luck!