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Home : 2008 : Jan : 13

    so depressed...
    By OMG

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    Hey everyone...these posts have been insightful and kind of make me feel better. I am a student teacher who just got done with the first week. This is completely awkward and random but hear me out. About three years ago, while still in college, my thumb nails started breaking out in a strange yellow tinge. I went to countless doctors and specialists but they either had no idea what it was or would give me meds that never helped. Progressively the yellowish tint got worse and started spreading to more finger nails (I currently have one nail that is healthy and without yellowish grossness). I am so self conscious about these and have been since it started. I have been depressed the last 4 months knowing I would be put in a social situation (teaching) that would no doubt involve the intricate use of my hands (passing out papers, emphasizing points, etc.), an action that I am very self conscious about. I mean, this week I did anything and everything to avoid a student getting a glimpse of my hands and 9 fingers. This is psychologically distressing for me and countless people have said stick with it....face your fear. Well, I can't, and I don't plan on putting myself thru a mental torture test just to say I persevered. I can't believe I've waited this long, I told myself I could get thru it....I feel cursed and I know I shouldn't. Guys coming back from Iraq with their legs blown off, now thats a problem. 99% of people have no idea where I'm coming from though. I have literally hidden my nails from my own family at times...the people I'm most comfortable in the world with, so how can I be open about this with students I don't even know yet? I think I'm going to get out while its still early. I've been embarressed to even have my own teacher see them. This is crazy, I went to school and worked so hard to get to this point, but there is just no way I can function properly in a school setting. It would not be good for my mental and emotional health if I went thru this, nor for the kids. They don't deserve a teacher who is not comfortable in his own skin. I need help. Any advice is welcome.

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